When I decided to move across the country on a quest for “a dog, a car, and a boyfriend,” I was actually searching for someone to like me the best. Not me the only and not me above themselves…. But to be someone’s favorite.
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I started the “energy” thing as a way to avoid punishing him for doing perfectly normal four-year-old things that drive me up the wall, like running away when it’s time to leave or refusing to brush his teeth at bedtime.
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I sat there on the bathroom floor wondering how many times I’ve used punitive tactics to “teach these kids a lesson.” How many times I’ve been petty and small as a parent. Probably more than I can count!
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As the more emotive person in our relationship— the one who always says “I love you” first, who gives in when there’s a disagreement, who showers Biff with praise— I’ve always assumed that I loved him more than he loved me (if love is indeed a quantifiable thing, which I’m not sure it is).
I’ve always assumed that the depth of my love for Biff was simply more than his for me, and I’ve mostly been okay with that. After this many years... I’ve made peace with it.
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Sometimes, when you’ve been with someone for a long time, big questions can build up between you. One person might not even know it’s happening while the other is actively tormented by it.
And that’s been happening to me and Biff because I’ve been worried for months about whether he’s still attracted to me.
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Every time I stand in front of a class full of high schoolers, I ask them to think of a time when they have been policed around their gender.
Each time, I find myself hoping that no one in the classroom will raise their hand. That maybe this will be the group where none of them have been told to “man up” or to “act like a lady.” Yet every time, their hands shoot up, almost automatically.
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I first heard about the Five Love Languages at a “Healthy Relationships” workshop at a trans leadership training in Los Angeles—and my mind was blown. It was 2013, Biff and I had been dating for two years, and I didn’t feel like he really cared about me because he never held my hand or kissed me in public. He never really told me he loved me in a way that felt specific or certain. Whenever I brought this up, he would always respond that he kept our house clean, cooked food for us every night, and let me sleep in on the weekends. Wasn’t that proof enough of his love?
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Riley has always had to work hard to focus on what was happening in front of him, and has often struggled to stay in a positive mindset. When he was seven, we had him assessed so we would have a better sense of what he might need from us in terms of supports. I thought I was ready for whatever might come up during those assessments, but when the pediatric psychologist gently told us that Riley met all the criteria for ADHD, I was shocked. How had I missed this? Was he going to need medication? Do we really know the long-term effects of that medication on tiny bodies? Weren’t there other options for treating it?
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When you’re pregnant (and even after you give birth), everyone has opinions for you. And for some reason, most of these advice-givers don’t seem able to simply share what worked for them... instead, they all seem convinced that their way is The Right Way and all other ways will inevitably lead to Doom and Gloom for you, your partner (if you have one), and your baby.
This turns out to be true whether you’re transgender or not, so I thought I’d share my tips for surviving Nagging Nancies during pregnancy and early parenthood.
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This National Reading Month, we are partnering with Amazon to make sure you’re providing your family with books that will help prepare them to be proud allies and friends to LGBTQ+ families!
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Ah, the dreaded/dreamed-about family road trip. Biff and I have taken dozens of trips with the kids, and boy have we had some mega successes and some horrific failures. Here are some tips we’ve developed over the years to help us cope with family road trips!
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“Why did you decide to gender your baby at birth?”
Every once in awhile, a stranger (usually online) will ask us this question.
In most cases, it’s intended as a “gotcha.” People who don’t want the best for us will ask it in jest, attempting to poke holes in our argument that perhaps gender is less rigid and fixed than we’ve been led to believe. Other times it’s asked by a trans or non-binary person who imagines that we are upholding the gender binary by assuming what gender our baby is.
It is rarely asked with good intention, but for the sake of this blog post… let’s assume it IS being asked that way (and then I’ll discuss why the first two ways of asking it are harmful).
I guess I have to explain my beliefs on gender to begin with.
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We put a lot of time and energy into thinking about ways to moderate our kids’ digital intake. They would do screentime all day every day if we let them, and we would rather they have literally NO screentime. How do we compromise? By finding educational and fun ways to engage them in tablet play. The Fire HD 8 Kids Edition tablet and FreeTime parental controls help us do just that!!!
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As a transgender person, I’ve had many strange conversations about gender. But none are as strange as the ones I have with and about my kids. Here’s part one in my series on gender and parenting, in which I discuss my resistance to dressing Hailey in feminine attire. Check it out!
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We made a video recently in which Hailey answered questions posed by our Instagram followers. One of them asked about her relationship with her biological parents, and Hailey wanted to tackle it. Check out the video to see her answer!
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This year, we’ve been able to accomplish a couple of our holiday traditions with ease using the new Fire HD 8 Kids Edition. Hailey got hers just a couple of weeks ago and it couldn’t have come at a better time for her development. As it turns out, the Parent Dashboard allows me to pick and choose exactly what games, movies, and apps she’s allowed to access, AND I can see what she’s played, watched, and read at any time. I’ve already been able to pull a, “Tell me about that game!” so she could explain the strategy behind one of her new favorite apps, a problem-solving puzzle based on Beauty and the Beast.
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When you have a crappy stroller... you know it. It doesn’t open up easily, so you’re always trying to somehow balance your cup of coffee and your baby while pleading with the stroller to JUST UNLATCH ALREADY. There’s this little tiny space underneath where somehow you’re supposed to fit your diaper bag but in reality, only one kid-sized sweatshirt can be stored there. And when you have to put it away, it somehow always manages to collapse in the closet, pushing the hallway door open so guests can see all of last year’s Christmas decorations sitting there.
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I laid everything out the night before (Biff chuckling away in the kitchen watching me) and piled the heavy-ass packs into the car and set my alarm. “Tomorrow is backpacking, buddy! Go to sleep early because I’m gonna be waking you up at 6am!” He fell asleep with a giddy smile on his face, so stoked to be alone in the wilderness with just his dad.
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I forced myself to pick up the keys, kiss Biff goodbye, and just... go. The show was in a coworking space in the Industrial district of inner southeast Portland. I did sit alone, but the place was packed so it didn't matter. It was light in the space and there was no smoke, bar, or yelling.
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How does Trystan reconcile being a man with being pregnant? Watch our video update to find out!
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