Questions from under a blanket

Sometimes, when you’ve been with someone for a long time, big questions can build up between you. One person might not even know it’s happening while the other is actively tormented by it.

And that’s been happening to me and Biff because I’ve been worried for months about whether he’s still attracted to me.

I had a baby.

I gained 80 pounds during the pregnancy and kept a good chunk of it. My hips stayed wider and where sharp angles used to be, there are now soft lines. I’m working to get back in my body and grow strong physically, and generally I’m okay with these softer bits. However... I haven’t been sure that Biff is. He’s been distant lately and I’ve worried that maybe I’m just not doing it for him anymore.

Does he still find me attractive after all this time, after having a baby, after the newly salt-and-pepper look I’ve been aging into— does he still LIKE like me?

The question has been building and seeping out in indirect ways, as these things do when they aren’t given space to breathe. Finally, last night I decided to say something.

I couldn’t look at him when I asked him and didn’t want him to look at me. I was ashamed at my self-doubt; I wish I didn’t need the reassurance. I hid under our flannel blanket while I told him I had to ask him something. “I’m shy but I need to know if we are okay.”

Everything was fine— he’s just busy and tired and the winters are hard. But I’m proud of myself for asking the hard questions before they get so big they destroy me (or us).

Even if I had to do it from under a blanket.