The one about the bath bombs

Leo hates taking baths.

Correction: Leo hates the IDEA of taking baths.

Once he’s actually in there, he’ll happily talk to himself and play with little character toys for well over an hour! It’s getting him into the bath initially that is the real challenge.

But it turns out he is definitely his father‘s child, and if we sweeten the deal with a bath bomb—preferably one with a surprise hidden inside—he will hop in there, no questions asked.

This incentive has been working great except Sully can’t seem to stop taking Leo’s bath bombs without asking permission. He takes them and I don’t know he took them, then when it’s time for Leo’s bath… no bath bombs in sight. And if you’ve promised something to a four-year-old, it is very hard to renege on that promise.

Yes, I finally decided to just take Sully to the store and pick out his own bath bombs. Of course I did— it was the easy solution and it’s been working out fine, except some part of me is still angry that he snuck things that weren’t his to take. Some part of me still wants to punish him for doing that.

So last night, when Leo asked me to get his bath bomb for the bath, I found myself reaching for one of Sully‘s. At that moment, I thought, “I’ll teach him a lesson about taking things that aren’t his. Let HIM feel what it’s like to have something taken from you, the way he took something from Leo.” I got as far as picking the bath bomb up, feeling the weight of it in my hand.

But something stopped me.

I imagined being Sully. I thought about how he would feel when he realized that I had taken something of his and given it to his sibling. I imagined the anger, the frustration, the disappointment. And I realized…those are not feelings I want to be the source of.

I tried to consider what my goal in that moment was— my parenting goal. What do I want Sully to learn from all of this, and do my actions serve that goal? I wanted to build Sully’s empathy so he stopped taking things from Leo because he realized it was hurtful to do so.

Would stealing Sully’s bath bomb and giving it to Leo help me reach that goal? Should I take something from Sully in order to teach him that taking things is wrong?

The answer is obviously “no.”

I sat there on the bathroom floor wondering how many times I’ve used punitive tactics to “teach these kids a lesson.” How many times I’ve been petty and small as a parent. Probably more than I can count!

But I’m glad I caught myself last night before I made that mistake again. And I hope I catch myself before I make it next time.

I suppose all I can hope for myself as a parent is to be better today than I was yesterday… and better tomorrow than I was today.